Celebrate Recovery

Celebrate Recovery is a 12 step program that my church is doing right now. I decided to join it about three weeks ago and am really enjoying the program. It has alot in common with AA and the rest of them but it is based on biblical principles and acknowledges God as the "Higher Power". My first week I went, I was very skeptical. I'm not sure how well this confiding in others and talking about our problems together is going to work for me. I've confided in fellow christians before and been burnt. Not just a surface burn but burnt till alls that was left was ashes. Burnt till I doubted all I believed in and who I was. Burnt till I thought I was going to end up in a mental institution. Why in the world would I want to go through that again? Putting myself out there. Yes the program calls for total confidentiality of it's memebers. But members are human and things may get out. It's too late once it gets out. Once everyone knows. Then again, I have not hidden my past from anyone. When I went through the adultery issues three years ago, Satan began to torment me with what would others think. So I decided I wasn't going to live in fear of it. I was going to face it head on and just tell people who I was at that time. They can either except or reject. That's on them and they will answer to God for how they handle it. It doesn't stop it from hurting when you are rejected. But the one's in my life who matter the most have accepted and continue to love me regardless. My biggest fear was my parents finding out and my sisters and my son. All but my son know. All have accepted me for my faults and continue to love me regardless. My son I will tell what happened when he is old enough and I feel the time is right. Hiding things just gives Satan a place to get a foot hold in your life.

So I am going to go to this program and open myself up because I feel it's what God wants me to do. And I will just have to trust in him to continue to heal and work on me through it all and to take care of what ever comes up. It's time to truly celebrate this road to recovery. Because that's what it is. Everything that happens everything I go through is just the road to my goal. The road to peace, to healing, to a fuller life in Christ. The road to recovery.

Step of Faith

About a week ago, I was contacted by the HR department for where I work. A fellow manager & good friend had contacted HR regarding some comments made to me by management in my store and some behaviors being directed toward me. I was open and honest with them about the situation. The HR guy wanted to come in and "kick butt". I made a step of faith. I asked to be allowed to confront the people on my own first and then to confront my AD about the situation. They granted my wish. Unfortunately the GM did not take well to my concerns and comments and basically told me which cliff to go jump off of. He had the whole Popeye mentality of "I am who I am and that's all that I am" and I'm not changing for anyone. The AD stated "I think you are upset with the GM because of his treament of you and not upset about the vulgarity going on in the store so if you want I'll move you." HR called again the next day and I reported what had happened.

My GM is now gone. My AD set me down to apologize for not handling the situation correctly and for giving him a second chance to handle it. And my employees are ticked off .....at me.

Not the way I wanted it to happen. I wanted the GM to say "Yeah. You're right. We do need to up the professionalism here. Let's work on it together." I wanted the AD to investigate and fix without throwing me out there as the Complainer who is going to cost the GM their job.

Although things didn't go the way I wanted, I know I did the right thing. But what has been running through my head for the last 24 hours is that I Stood Up for what I believe in. That's a first for me in this type of situation. In the situation of my childhood, I never stood up. I never told anyone until I was grown and married exactly what happened. I let my uncle continue to do to others what he had done to me. In just about every situation in my life, (my marriage, my work) whatever, I have let people walk all over me. I've been upset about things but never spoken up and stood my ground. Refusing to budge until things changed. For the first time in my life, I did that. It feels pretty good. Sad, because I didn't want anyone to loose their job but good because I stood my ground. It's a sign. I am changing. I am breaking old habits and hang ups. God is moving and healing. Peace!!!!!

Peace

Yesterday I was off work so I went to a movie. While I was there my phone rang, it was someone that I used to consider a very good friend. We were inseperable. Till I went to her three years ago with a confession about something I was battling and she used it against me to get my job. Then continued to write about me all over her blog on the internet. I made a decision. I asked her to meet me. She agreed.

About 15 minutes later I found myself sitting across from her by a lake. As I set there, we began to talk and I forgave her. Truly deeply forgave her. Two and a half hours later, we got up from the table and a part of me was healed. I was able to put my arms around her and tell her I enjoyed talking with her. And what was even more amazing was I meant it. I don't know that we will ever be friends again. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no longer any anger or hurt in me towards her.

I've been on this road to healing past wounds for several months now. I got to kneal beside my nana's ashes and release the anger and hurt I had been holding towards her. Now I am faced with the big one. Now I have to face David. It's time to turn him and that situation over to God and trust that God will handle it. And it's time to be satisfied with however God does handle it. Maybe he'll let him be caught and thrown in jail. But maybe he'll save him and change his life. That's something I have been asking myself. Can I accept that? Do I trust God to handle it? For so many years, I have allowed what happened to me to effect every part of my life. There is not a decision I have made my entire life that my past has not influenced me on. I've lived with the guilt and the shame and the fear forever. If I want to be whole (and I do), If I want a healthy relationship with my husband and son and anyone else in my life, If I want to be who Christ truly wants me to be......then I have to let go. I have to forgive. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. The bible doesn't say vengenance is Jamie's it says vengenance is Gods. I matter to God. What happened to me hurt God. He wept over it. And he cares enough about me to take care of it. My only responsbility is to let go and heal.

Thermometer or Thermostat

I got to go to church on Wednesday. It was a pretty quiet service. But something the pastor said has stuck in my brain and I just keep kicking it around. He made a comment about a thermometer and then said something about a thermostat. For some reason those two words stuck in my brain. Maybe because in my line of work, a thermometer becomes your best friend. Either way here's what I've been thinking on. Don't know if it will speak to you but it did to me.

I'm going through some sitations at work and at home. Hearing those two words hit me and made me ask myself "Which one am I?" Am I a thermometer? A necessary tool that tells you when things are cooked properly. Tells you if something is wrong. It basically just states the facts.

Or am I a thermostat. Something that registers the facts but then does something to change them. Hey this room is to hot, I need to cool it down some. Or brrr this thing is to cold, let's heat it up a bit. Am I set to a certain setting by the Holy Spirit within me and then adjusting the environment around me in whatever way I can to meet those settings. Or am I just stating how the environment around me doesn't meet my settings.

I hate to say it but I am prone to be a thermometer. Woe is me. Look what I'm going through. What I am putting up with. But not really trying to change it. At least in my work area I'm this way. In my marriage, I'd say i'm a little of both. I don't want to be someone who just states the facts and doesn't try to make things for the better. I want to be a thermostat. I want to be so intuned with the Holy Spirit setting within that I register what's happening and then adjust what I can to make my environment match up with the Holy Spirit's setting within.

Maybe that doesn't speak to you like it does me. But I'm telling you this has kept me up most of the night the past two nights. I want to be plugged in and sensitive to the Lord's guiding of my life. Whichever way it goes. Marriage or divorce. Job or no job. Whatever Satan throws at me. It doesn't matter. God has always been there and brought me through. Sometimes I am a little worse for ware but I make it through. Patch up the cuts and bruises. Dust myself off and continue moving forward. It's all in his hands.

Egg-stonishing

In my last post I talked about my assignment for counseling. It was to draw an egg and put in it all the things that have happened in my life. I thought it would be really hard to do. But it wasn't. I think it took me about twenty minutes to put it together. When I finished I looked at it and went "Wow. Look at all the crap that has happened in my life." But as I sat there and stared at it, something inside me began to change. Instead of focusing on all the bad that happened and wondering how in the world I made it through, I began to see all the bad stuff that happened and "Wow, I'm still here." I've always wondered where God was during these times but in looking at my egg I began to see it. There's a couple of people in my life that if it weren't for them, I don't think I'd be half the person I am. My parents have always been in my corner. No matter how much I disappoint them, I know that they will always be in my corner. But three people helped me make it through what I was going through and I don't think they even know it. It makes me sad to know that I never told them. Two I can rectify that with but one is no longer with us. My Uncle Wayne will never know just how much he meant to me. How much he helped me survive what I went through. Peggy Hensley is another one. I don't even know how to describe what all she did for me. She treated me as if I was her child and was extremely precious to her. She modeled God's love for me and taught me alot as a child in Sunday School. The other is Uncle Lawrence. I can remember all my cousins and even my sister coming over to stay with him and him making them drink cow's milk or they couldn't stay. I know it sounds silly but when I went to stay with him he never made me. That made me feel special. I loved my time on his farm with him and Aunt Fannie and it will always be some of my most precious memories.

The most amazing thing is to look at this egg and see God's touch throughout it all. He's begun a good work and me and he is faithful to see it through. The peace in my life right now amazes me. For the first time I am not feared with fear and worry over what will or won't happen. For the first time I am truly getting up every day and placing everything in God's hands and content to leave it to him. Whatever happens, happens. In God I trust. He has never let me down and he never will.

Lost in space

Lost in space. What a good title. That describes my life perfectly. I feel completely lost. But for the first time, I am okay with that. I know God is in control. I know that everyone around me wishes I'd just go ahead and divorce Steve. I don't blame them for that. But the fact of the matter is that I love him and I am trusting God to move. I know that he can only fix things if Steve and I allow him. I know that Steve may not. If that's the case, I'll survive. There's a peace in my life right now where my marriage is concerned. I know that God is dealing with me on my life and that is where my focus is. I need to heal and repair damage done to me as a child. I have a homework project that my counselor gave me. It's to write out my life in stages. I didn't realize how much stuff there is in my life that was traumatic to me. But God is fixing me and helping me past that. Whethere I am married to Steve or not. I need to be whole. That's my focus.

hi