Celebrate Recovery is a 12 step program that my church is doing right now. I decided to join it about three weeks ago and am really enjoying the program. It has alot in common with AA and the rest of them but it is based on biblical principles and acknowledges God as the "Higher Power". My first week I went, I was very skeptical. I'm not sure how well this confiding in others and talking about our problems together is going to work for me. I've confided in fellow christians before and been burnt. Not just a surface burn but burnt till alls that was left was ashes. Burnt till I doubted all I believed in and who I was. Burnt till I thought I was going to end up in a mental institution. Why in the world would I want to go through that again? Putting myself out there. Yes the program calls for total confidentiality of it's memebers. But members are human and things may get out. It's too late once it gets out. Once everyone knows. Then again, I have not hidden my past from anyone. When I went through the adultery issues three years ago, Satan began to torment me with what would others think. So I decided I wasn't going to live in fear of it. I was going to face it head on and just tell people who I was at that time. They can either except or reject. That's on them and they will answer to God for how they handle it. It doesn't stop it from hurting when you are rejected. But the one's in my life who matter the most have accepted and continue to love me regardless. My biggest fear was my parents finding out and my sisters and my son. All but my son know. All have accepted me for my faults and continue to love me regardless. My son I will tell what happened when he is old enough and I feel the time is right. Hiding things just gives Satan a place to get a foot hold in your life.
So I am going to go to this program and open myself up because I feel it's what God wants me to do. And I will just have to trust in him to continue to heal and work on me through it all and to take care of what ever comes up. It's time to truly celebrate this road to recovery. Because that's what it is. Everything that happens everything I go through is just the road to my goal. The road to peace, to healing, to a fuller life in Christ. The road to recovery.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday, October 12, 2009
Step of Faith
About a week ago, I was contacted by the HR department for where I work. A fellow manager & good friend had contacted HR regarding some comments made to me by management in my store and some behaviors being directed toward me. I was open and honest with them about the situation. The HR guy wanted to come in and "kick butt". I made a step of faith. I asked to be allowed to confront the people on my own first and then to confront my AD about the situation. They granted my wish. Unfortunately the GM did not take well to my concerns and comments and basically told me which cliff to go jump off of. He had the whole Popeye mentality of "I am who I am and that's all that I am" and I'm not changing for anyone. The AD stated "I think you are upset with the GM because of his treament of you and not upset about the vulgarity going on in the store so if you want I'll move you." HR called again the next day and I reported what had happened.
My GM is now gone. My AD set me down to apologize for not handling the situation correctly and for giving him a second chance to handle it. And my employees are ticked off .....at me.
Not the way I wanted it to happen. I wanted the GM to say "Yeah. You're right. We do need to up the professionalism here. Let's work on it together." I wanted the AD to investigate and fix without throwing me out there as the Complainer who is going to cost the GM their job.
Although things didn't go the way I wanted, I know I did the right thing. But what has been running through my head for the last 24 hours is that I Stood Up for what I believe in. That's a first for me in this type of situation. In the situation of my childhood, I never stood up. I never told anyone until I was grown and married exactly what happened. I let my uncle continue to do to others what he had done to me. In just about every situation in my life, (my marriage, my work) whatever, I have let people walk all over me. I've been upset about things but never spoken up and stood my ground. Refusing to budge until things changed. For the first time in my life, I did that. It feels pretty good. Sad, because I didn't want anyone to loose their job but good because I stood my ground. It's a sign. I am changing. I am breaking old habits and hang ups. God is moving and healing. Peace!!!!!
My GM is now gone. My AD set me down to apologize for not handling the situation correctly and for giving him a second chance to handle it. And my employees are ticked off .....at me.
Not the way I wanted it to happen. I wanted the GM to say "Yeah. You're right. We do need to up the professionalism here. Let's work on it together." I wanted the AD to investigate and fix without throwing me out there as the Complainer who is going to cost the GM their job.
Although things didn't go the way I wanted, I know I did the right thing. But what has been running through my head for the last 24 hours is that I Stood Up for what I believe in. That's a first for me in this type of situation. In the situation of my childhood, I never stood up. I never told anyone until I was grown and married exactly what happened. I let my uncle continue to do to others what he had done to me. In just about every situation in my life, (my marriage, my work) whatever, I have let people walk all over me. I've been upset about things but never spoken up and stood my ground. Refusing to budge until things changed. For the first time in my life, I did that. It feels pretty good. Sad, because I didn't want anyone to loose their job but good because I stood my ground. It's a sign. I am changing. I am breaking old habits and hang ups. God is moving and healing. Peace!!!!!
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Peace
Yesterday I was off work so I went to a movie. While I was there my phone rang, it was someone that I used to consider a very good friend. We were inseperable. Till I went to her three years ago with a confession about something I was battling and she used it against me to get my job. Then continued to write about me all over her blog on the internet. I made a decision. I asked her to meet me. She agreed.
About 15 minutes later I found myself sitting across from her by a lake. As I set there, we began to talk and I forgave her. Truly deeply forgave her. Two and a half hours later, we got up from the table and a part of me was healed. I was able to put my arms around her and tell her I enjoyed talking with her. And what was even more amazing was I meant it. I don't know that we will ever be friends again. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no longer any anger or hurt in me towards her.
I've been on this road to healing past wounds for several months now. I got to kneal beside my nana's ashes and release the anger and hurt I had been holding towards her. Now I am faced with the big one. Now I have to face David. It's time to turn him and that situation over to God and trust that God will handle it. And it's time to be satisfied with however God does handle it. Maybe he'll let him be caught and thrown in jail. But maybe he'll save him and change his life. That's something I have been asking myself. Can I accept that? Do I trust God to handle it? For so many years, I have allowed what happened to me to effect every part of my life. There is not a decision I have made my entire life that my past has not influenced me on. I've lived with the guilt and the shame and the fear forever. If I want to be whole (and I do), If I want a healthy relationship with my husband and son and anyone else in my life, If I want to be who Christ truly wants me to be......then I have to let go. I have to forgive. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. The bible doesn't say vengenance is Jamie's it says vengenance is Gods. I matter to God. What happened to me hurt God. He wept over it. And he cares enough about me to take care of it. My only responsbility is to let go and heal.
About 15 minutes later I found myself sitting across from her by a lake. As I set there, we began to talk and I forgave her. Truly deeply forgave her. Two and a half hours later, we got up from the table and a part of me was healed. I was able to put my arms around her and tell her I enjoyed talking with her. And what was even more amazing was I meant it. I don't know that we will ever be friends again. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no longer any anger or hurt in me towards her.
I've been on this road to healing past wounds for several months now. I got to kneal beside my nana's ashes and release the anger and hurt I had been holding towards her. Now I am faced with the big one. Now I have to face David. It's time to turn him and that situation over to God and trust that God will handle it. And it's time to be satisfied with however God does handle it. Maybe he'll let him be caught and thrown in jail. But maybe he'll save him and change his life. That's something I have been asking myself. Can I accept that? Do I trust God to handle it? For so many years, I have allowed what happened to me to effect every part of my life. There is not a decision I have made my entire life that my past has not influenced me on. I've lived with the guilt and the shame and the fear forever. If I want to be whole (and I do), If I want a healthy relationship with my husband and son and anyone else in my life, If I want to be who Christ truly wants me to be......then I have to let go. I have to forgive. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. The bible doesn't say vengenance is Jamie's it says vengenance is Gods. I matter to God. What happened to me hurt God. He wept over it. And he cares enough about me to take care of it. My only responsbility is to let go and heal.
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