Peace

Yesterday I was off work so I went to a movie. While I was there my phone rang, it was someone that I used to consider a very good friend. We were inseperable. Till I went to her three years ago with a confession about something I was battling and she used it against me to get my job. Then continued to write about me all over her blog on the internet. I made a decision. I asked her to meet me. She agreed.

About 15 minutes later I found myself sitting across from her by a lake. As I set there, we began to talk and I forgave her. Truly deeply forgave her. Two and a half hours later, we got up from the table and a part of me was healed. I was able to put my arms around her and tell her I enjoyed talking with her. And what was even more amazing was I meant it. I don't know that we will ever be friends again. But I do know beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is no longer any anger or hurt in me towards her.

I've been on this road to healing past wounds for several months now. I got to kneal beside my nana's ashes and release the anger and hurt I had been holding towards her. Now I am faced with the big one. Now I have to face David. It's time to turn him and that situation over to God and trust that God will handle it. And it's time to be satisfied with however God does handle it. Maybe he'll let him be caught and thrown in jail. But maybe he'll save him and change his life. That's something I have been asking myself. Can I accept that? Do I trust God to handle it? For so many years, I have allowed what happened to me to effect every part of my life. There is not a decision I have made my entire life that my past has not influenced me on. I've lived with the guilt and the shame and the fear forever. If I want to be whole (and I do), If I want a healthy relationship with my husband and son and anyone else in my life, If I want to be who Christ truly wants me to be......then I have to let go. I have to forgive. Regardless of what anyone else thinks. The bible doesn't say vengenance is Jamie's it says vengenance is Gods. I matter to God. What happened to me hurt God. He wept over it. And he cares enough about me to take care of it. My only responsbility is to let go and heal.